


She knows

by hazzard



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, but like good angst, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 02:32:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzard/pseuds/hazzard
Summary: In which she knows.





	She knows

She’d asked to die. All the time he’d stood there by her side, forcing Simmons to go on, she’d been partly awake and she’d begged, screamed, to please let her die, please, please, please. “Just let me die.” Over, and over, she’d pleaded with a voice that cut through his heart. He’d ignored it, he’d ignored _her_ , and he’d ordered Simmons to continue. 

Jemma looked up at her from the tools in her hands that were rewiring Melinda’s brain. “Are you absolutely certain it wouldn’t be… More  _humane_ , if we…”

He clenched his teeth, stopping himself from hitting Jemma right in the face. “I’m currently the first one in command.  _This_  is my command.”

Simmons nodded and continued to work her magic. Phil prayed with all he had that that magic hadn’t lost its power.

 

 

She was alive. Thank every possible god in heaven, she was alive.

She hated his guts, but she was alive. 

She was probably going to leave. She’d woken up remembering every second of her resurrection. She’d spotted him from her bed, standing in the corner, and her eyes had been burning. He understood. He’d been there himself. He knew what she was going through. But she’d been dead, her brain had been fried. There was no way he’d let her die. No way. If she’d hate him forever and want nothing to do with him for the rest of her life, that was the price he’d have to pay. He’d pay it happily. Again and again and again. If it meant she was alive, he’d be happy to pay it.

 

He sat in his office and buried his face in his hands. This had been too damn close. It’d been too damn close and he loved her too damn much.

Yes, fuck it. He loved her. He’d lose her, and he loved her.

Fuck.

 

There was a soft knock at his door. He glanced at the clock by the bed. 3 am. It was either another emergency, or it was…

Melinda was dressed in black yoga pants and a loose, grey t-shirt, her hair up in a ponytail. And she was beautiful. God fucking dammit, she was so beautiful.

He sat up by the edge of the bed and breathed.

“I’m sorry.”

He looked up at her, suddenly feeling completely desperate. “I’m so sorry. But you were dying. You were already dead. And I couldn’t let you go, not yet, I couldn’t…” He paused. “I’m a selfish piece of shit and I should’ve let you go.” He softly shook his head, feeling the wrench take another turn in his heart. “I’ve been there. I’ve been exactly there were you were. And when I found out, I hated Fury for bringing me back. I’d begged them to let me die, and they still decided to bring me back. No matter the cost.” He couldn’t look at her. “And faced with that decision, with you, now, I made the same choice they did. I hated them for it, a part of me still does. And I still made that same choice.”

She’d sat down beside him. He’d felt a soft thud.

“I’m sorry. I’m not expecting you to ever forgive me.”

“Phil…” Her voice was mellow and without anger or blame, and he hated that she apparently felt sorry for him.

He stood up. “No. Don’t be nice to me. You begged me to let you die.” His voice turned desperate again. “You begged me, you were suffering and in pain and I didn’t care, I didn’t let Jemma stop because I’m a…” He hit his head with his palms in frustration. “…I’m a stupid…” Hit. “…selfish…” Hit again. “…idiotic…” Hit. Hit. “…selfish… fucking… piece… of…”

She flew up from the bed and grabbed his wrists. “Stop.”

“You should go. You should leave me, you should…”

She put her hands on his cheeks. “No.”

He tried to swallow down the tears that were right there at the surface. He had no right to cry about the thought of her disappearing from his life. Not after what he’d done. “You hate me. I understand. You should go.”

“I’m not leaving you.” She gently stroked his skin with her thumbs. “I don’t hate you, and I’m not leaving.”

He blinked. “You don’t hate me?”

She continued to trace his upper jaw with her fingers. Her eyes were glossy and full of something he couldn’t really place, but made him pretty sure that she did, in fact, not hate him.

“I know why you did it.”

He froze. “You… you know?” 

She nodded. “Same reason I came on this plane. Why I lied to you, why I went behind your back for months.”

She smiled and moved up her fingers to trace his crinkled eyebrows. “You wanted to save me.” She turned serious, her fingers moved to grip his face and then stopped. “I mean a lot to you.”

He swallowed and glanced down. 

She lifted his face, searching his eyes with hers. “Or? Am I wrong?”

He swallowed again, keeping eye contact. “Not wrong.” 

He didn’t know if he should tell her. If it’d be wrong to put that kind of pressure on her. If he had any right to rewrite their boundaries, their rules. Or if it’d be more wrong  _not_  to tell her. If that was information she should, she  _deserved_ , to have. Keeping it from her meant that he also kept the very essential key to what their relationship was to him. How could she begin to make the choice that’d be the best one for her, when she didn’t have the background information?

She drew her eyebrows together. “Phil? Are you OK?”

“I love you.”

She was completely still. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know if I should tell you but I do, you don’t just mean a lot to me, you mean  _everything_ , and I love you, I-”

She smiled. The biggest smile he’d seen on her for years, broke out on her face.

“I know that, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> as always, thank you so much for reading!!! means a lot to me, a lot.
> 
> comments/kudos are amazing.
> 
> love to you! xx
> 
> PS: i seem to have a thing with Melinda May gently holding Phil Coulson's face and tracing his skin with her fingers. Show writers? Get right on that, pls.


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